On Football

I haven’t sat through a baseball, basketball, or hockey game since I was a teen, I just don’t have the patience. This year I’m giving up on football too.

  1. I don’t have a TV anyway and I should spend less, not more, time in bars.
  2. I have better things to do on sunny fall afternoons than watch college or professional football.
  3. Your college football program can be 1) good or 2) honest: pick one.
  4. The concept of a “student athlete” at most top sports schools is a farce.
  5. The NFL responds to athletes slapping around their girlfriends with a nation wide campaign of athletes explaining to me that punching 95 lb women unconscious is bad, as if I am the one doing it and not them.
  6. The NFL violates the spirit of labor contracts so that it can have the right to impose ever more arbitrary and stupid decisions.
  7. The NFL, much like the Democratic Party, is in bed with the news organisations that supposedly exist give it objective coverage but instead just give it regular tongue baths.
  8. Then the NFL and those news organisations think I’m too stupid to tell they are giving it regular tongue baths.
  9. One of those news organisations is ESPN, the four-letter network, which hates its own core audience, subjecting middle-aged men and young dude-bros to Caitlyn Jenner stories for weeks on end, and then wondering why its rating are dropping. Thank God I’m smarter than an ESPN market analyst.
  10. I mean seriously ESPN, you don’t have to be a fucking genius to know that falling all over yourself celebrating some washed-up 70’s icon cutting off his own dick will not go over well with the NASCAR and beer crowd.
  11. ESPN, what demographic were you appealing to with your “OMG CAITLYN IS SO BEAUTIFUL I CAN’T EVEN!!! stories? People who a) remember who Bruce Jenner was and b) like the idea of cutting off dicks. That isn’t a lot of people ESPN, and they probably won’t suddenly get into NASCAR.
  12. On the subject of hating your core audience: the NFL thinks its cool to let players sit during the national anthem as if the NFL has no control over their comportment on the field, but disciplines a guy for wearing a 9-11 tribute on his sneakers.
  13. On the other hand the NFL is paid by the Department of Defense to put giant flags and military men all over the field as a game were some kind of fascist rally. Just play the anthem and stand, how hard is that? Why do they have to fuck it up both ways?
  14. Speaking of anthems, have you ever heard any song sung in worse taste than the Star-Spangled Banner sung at a football game? Have you had the experience of being in a foreign country, watching the Superbowl with a bunch of people, hearing some washed-up singer butcher a beautiful anthem with self-indulgent trills and vibratos and have all those foreign people turn and look at you because you are the only American in the room and you feel like you have to apologize for you entire existence?
  15. Oh, and commercials.
  16. Finally, I’m sick of seeing players get injured. Yes, they sign up for it and yes, hitting is part of the game, but I don’t think I need to subject myself to feeling ill every time someone tears a ligament.

Things I might miss about football:

  1. Cheerleaders.
  2. The strategy is pretty neat, both in-game and long term team-building.
  3. Arguing loudly about something that isn’t politics or religion. All the fun of debate with absolutely nothing at stake.




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