As awful as the attacks were, I can’t bring myself to feel sorrow as much as resignation: this is the world we now live in.

Outpourings of grief and solidarity will flow into Paris from all over the world, just like last time. Like last time, President Hollande has declared war on terrorism. President Hollande’s approval rating among the French is about 18%; ISIS has a 16% approval rating among Frenchmen, closer to 30% among military aged men, so good luck with that war.

A few more terror attacks in Paris and world reaction to them will be like our reaction to terror attacks against Israelis: why won’t they just die already?

Here is what the leaders of the world would tell the people of Paris if they were being honest:

Dear People of Paris,

We are very sorry about the mess. Be assured of our support on Facebook and Twitter. Once everything is cleaned up we promise to hold another candlelight vigil. Because of security risks, America won’t be able to send James Taylor or any other elderly B-list acts to sing You’ve Got A Friend In Me, but instead sent a charming recording of Ben E. King’s Stand By Me. 

In the meantime, if you are female and you must go outside, wear a burka. If you are gay, well, good luck with that. We suggest everyone learn a few verses of the Koran in Arabic. We are not saying that all the refugees that we intend to bring in from the Middle East over the next few years are dangerous, but a handful of them obviously want to kill you and most of the rest don’t care one way or another about you. It is just the price to pay for cheap labor. Hey, don’t look at us, you should have had more kids thirty years ago.

So enjoy your new normal.

Sincerely (for once) Yours,

Angela Merkel

David “Chucky” Cameron

Francois Hollande

Lord and Savior, Prince of Peace, Barack H. Obama


One comment

  1. This, sir, is dead on. Nothing to add.

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